About

How should I even begin...

Life has never been particularly gentle with me. There's no need to go into the details. Everyone has their own trials and hardships. Mine were enough for me. I'll leave yours to you. For a long time, everything I went through made me obsessed with death. What death really is, and what awaits us beyond it, became a veil of mystery I desperately wanted to pull back. I've never been afraid of asking questions that were way above my pay grade. I've never hesitated to stick my nose into holes I probably should've left alone. Most of the time, my own life didn't seem all that important to me. When I set my mind on something, I was reckless in chasing it. The only problem was that the things I obsessed over were never anything tangible. My feet were never really on the ground. You could say both of them were always in the spirit world. That's probably why, throughout school, people around me would always joke, "Whatever you're on, I want some too." The funny thing is, it was just my personality. I've always been the most naturally "high" person in the room—without ever touching anything.

I've often isolated myself from other people because I struggled to enjoy ordinary things. On top of that, I get bored easily. Wherever there was something strange, mysterious, bizarre, or outright absurd—you could usually find me there. As time went on, these quirks of mine started to align more and more with science. I thought maybe I could understand death and existence through it. So I spent many years studying and building a career in that field. Naturally, I continued carrying my title as "the kid with the best high" there as well.

I may be weird, but I'm not stupid. At least... I don't think I'm *that* stupid. :D Because of that, I always tried to balance out my weirdness. Alongside my normal academic work, I secretly pursued my own little underground investigations into the nature of consciousness. Back then, my approach was completely scientific. I believed that if you want to measure something, you need to compare it across different states. So if I wanted to understand consciousness, I needed to experience its other forms. That's where everything began.

I saw firsthand just how vast subjective experience really is.

I saw how immense life itself is.

I saw what imagination and the mind are capable of.

And I caught a glimpse of just how limitless the universe around us truly is.

Ten years.

A ten-year adventure.

I did everything I could in pursuit of it. I sacrificed a lot of myself along the way. Maybe even the chance at a healthy, ordinary life. I honestly believed I was close. I thought I could actually make it.When you're young, everything feels possible, doesn't it? Every year that passes, I look back and think about how stupid I was. Maybe I really am that stupid. :D

When I realized that life is, in fact, magical... I was happier than I'd ever been. It's still one of the happiest moments of my life. Knowing that magic truly exists. Just... not in the way we ever imagined. Harry Potter? Please. It goes way beyond that :D. But my sense of inadequacy and weakness soon turned into a hunger for power. Because of that, my search was never truly pure. The deeper my fascination with magic became, the greater the price I would eventually have to pay. Because the Great Spirit never gives anyone something for free. It wasn't any different for me.

I thought I could learn all of this and still go on living a perfectly normal life.

I thought I could still love.

Have friends.

Have fun.

But in return for magic, the Spirit wanted all of it.

My sanity.

My future.

The truth is, I had taken on something far bigger than myself. I thought I was ready. I wasn't. Everything exploded in my hands. My pride had blinded me, and I couldn't even see it. I almost died. But thankfully, the Great Spirit gave me one more chance. Apparently, it was because of the effort and sincerity I had shown all those years. It was almost as if It said,"Don't let it get to your head. Next time, I won't be this merciful."It moved me into a version of reality where I still had a chance to fix some things. That happened three years ago.

Since that day, I no longer dive into magic. Instead, I've been trying to hold onto life and create things that can fit in ordinary life. Actually becoming an artist was also the Great Spirit's suggestion. According to It, as long as my relationship with magic remained at the level of art, It could tolerate it :D. That actually made me really happy. Because I've always loved drawing. I just never believed I could actually become an artist.I thought I had to prove myself to certain institutions before I could call myself one. But even if it's only on my own little scale...I'm still happy to say that I'm an artist. For now, my future doesn't exactly look bright XD. I'm still trying to grow up.I'm not an easy person to straighten out—I admit that. Especially when it comes to taking advice. I'm incredibly stubborn.I've spent so much of my life cutting things off and marching toward death that it's become second nature.

I don't know who these words will reach.

But if you've made it this far...

Thank you.

It was nice meeting you. :D

Maybe your life has been something like mine. If socalled magicians and occultists ever read this, they'd probably accuse me of not doing enough research, or of rushing in without doing enough shadow work.

Maybe.

But the truth is, all of these things are just theories.Nobody knows the kind of shit pit someone else had to crawl out of. Giving advice is the easiest thing in the world. Life, on the other hand, beats every single one of us in its own unique way. Nobody escapes that.And to those who want to tell me that I'm mentally ill and need to see a psychiatrist... Here's a big middle finger. :D

And you... My brother, my sister... If you saw yourself somewhere in these words... Whatever happens... Please don't ever give up. I swear to you,There really is light at the end of the tunnel.Actually... That light is already resting in your hands. Try not to wrestle with life more than you have to.Because the Great Spirit never truly wishes us harm. And honestly...What's waiting after this life is beautiful anyway. Just quietly do what you need to do. And never forget... All of this was a tragic comedy we chose for ourselves long before we were born. We'll meet again... On the other side.